Reflections of a Momma to Be. . .

Momma to Be. . . .

If you met me a year ago there would be some similarities to who you would be meeting today.  I would definitely not look the same.  Our conversation would be very different.  And for sure I’m mentally and emotionally very different.  Life is ever changing realistically and we can either update along with those changes or get stuck in our old patterns and "ways." I have always chosen to update.  So here we are well over a year later and this is what I can share to date.  

The last 8 months of my life have been all about learning how to LET GO all over again.  And when I say LET GO, it’s more than just one form of letting go.

Mentally: I had to let go of other people’s STUFF.  I have had to learn how to let go of what other’s think.  I have had to learn how to let go of what other people will say or how they will react.  I have had to let go of fear.  And I have had to learn how to let go of something I have known for a good 30 plus years. . . . my body!

As a dancer, dance instructor and pilates instructor, that is something difficult to do, knowing all the "what if's" that will happen on my insides and outsides.  Books can scare the bejesus out us, and as women we have this concept of what beauty looks like based on a warped sense of reality put out there by magazines, Facebook posts, selfless, and so much more. It is toxic the information that we are spoon fed over time and how it really creeps up on us in such a vulnerable time in our lives.  All of a sudden we have known our bodies for 30 plus years as they are, mine literally has looked the same I feel like forever. . .  we literally only can control the food we put it in this body during pregnancy and hope for the best.  We just pray that we don't get stretch marks because those won't look good in our bikinis anymore and our man may get a wandering eye, or our boobs will get saggy after breast feeding and then our perky boobs will be no more and that again may lead our man to a wandering eye.  Even better!!!!! The whole peeing your pants thing. . . WOW.  That is a scary one! Pelvic Floor muscles really get tested during pregnancy.  My scary "ah ha" pelvic floor moment was when I was trying to get away with wearing regular jeans still and I was brushing my teeth.  While I was leaning over the bathroom sink with my just about too tight jeans on and the pressure of the button against my belly and my belly leaning over the edge of the sink I found myself about to cough and there was that moment. . . Uh oh, did I just??? Wait. . . Nope I didn't I caught it, but that was a close call!!!! 

If there is any advice I can give to those who have not carried a baby yet in their beautiful belly work on those muscles WAY BEFORE ever getting pregnant! I'm telling you that will save you in so many ways during pregnancy.  You literally have to learn in a very fast amount of time how to allow yourself to let go of what was and step into the present reality of a changing body, a changing mindset, and a changing heart.  

I’m on the biggest journey I have ever been on.  The biggest ADVENTURE as I call it!!!!

From the moment I found out I had the opportunity to be a mother I felt so fortunate.  It is something I have wanted for what feels like forever.  And now it is here.  And you will hear this from EVERYONE: there is no perfect time to have a baby.  Really, there isn’t.  You know when it is right.  And this is right for me, for sure.

There will always be stress: What about my business? What about my job? What about money? What about the cat? What about the insurance, and the next 20 years? Yeah. . . Well. . . . BILLIONS have done it with far less and have done it without books and have done it without a partner and have done it far from “home.”

Home is where the heart is my friends.  My heart is with me, my partner and this baby and that is where our home will be.  For now the physical structure of a house is downtown Vancouver, but the heart that equals home is the group of us. . .

It is so true about the village effect.  It takes a village to raise a child.  Its not just a mom and dad you know.  I was so fortunate to have a village!!! My neighbours, my aunts, uncles, grandmas, cousins, friends, teachers, above all my mom and dad and my sister, but they needed support too and that’s what the village is for.  So as we near the birth of this precious little angel that chose us I find myself being pulled in the direction of where I have felt the village the most.  Although at times the village sometimes feels like it is not in this city at all. . . . . 

Coming from Long Island, NY where my family still resides and I have a sister with 2 boys of her own, I feel this huge push to figure out a way to get closer, to get back that way, to make sure we are all a part of this life together, rather than just touching base on the phone once a week or twice a week, where we only physically see each other in person twice a year.  That is clearly not enough.  

And then the next fear sinks in. . . . . What will one do for work? medical insurance? working visas? YADA YADA YADA. . . .

Gosh we can make ourselves literally go CRAZY!!!!!

On a daily basis I decide to take a deep breath, have some quiet time, and reflect on how I have gotten through all the other slightly heavy moments in life.  The best way I know how is through movement.  So I dance! I sway.  I rock.  I roll.  I circle my hips through space.  I stretch.  I focus on my insides and feel my way through.  I breathe.  I move.  I unleash.  This beautiful little being inside of me moves with me.  This has by far been so amazing to feel the baby's movement and how it is similar to mine and how it differs from mine.  What music the baby reacts to and what hands and food.  This little angel is going to be aware and I look forward to watching her intentions, intuition, and dreams develop.  I can only imagine the amount of love that will come as soon as this baby is born.  

Authenticity. . . . Who's got it?

A little something I have been thinking of lately, Authenticity.  This is absolutely authentic, and I appreciate the reminder to be true to myself, my philosophies, my teachings, my learnings, my instincts, but most of all, my passions.

I am a dancer through and through, followed by a being a teacher and a healer.  I know now how to communicate through my body, my mind, my soul, and especially my words.  I teach what I teach because I am passionate about sharing what I know, what I feel, and what I've experienced.

I have been noticing lately that I may be surrounded in certain areas with others who may not be as authentic as they once were portraying and it is rather heart breaking.  So with this new chapter of mine coming up where a few things need to be put on hold for a couple months, I can only hope that those who have given me their word, their bond live up to their end of the deal. . . . . I can only hope that what I was working for and towards will continue when it is time for me to be back in the classroom.  I know that there will be a lot of evolution while I am attending to my wee baby, but I also want to remind myself and others that just because this chapter of mommy hood is upon us, do not let other's stories get in your way, other's heart ache, other's opinions or doubts, or fears come between you and what you know you are capable of.

Deep down inside we know what is right and what is wrong.
Deep down inside we know what our strengths are and what our weaknesses are.
Deep down inside we know if we are hurting someone's feelings, heart, or soul.
Deep down inside we just know. . . . . . .

A Gift From The Sea

Good morning! Snuck out of the house super early before class since the Lululemon sea wheeze run was hollering by my bedroom window. Wanted to make sure I got out before my street got too kray kray. The sweetest traffic control lady at my driveway who screeched with excitement at my basketball round belly went straight in to how lovely the morning had been with all the runners coming by. Then as we stood there and talked I saw not 1 but 2 pregnant women walking it out for this sea wheeze. So cool!!!! She told me about her 4 babies. Shared her excitement for me to be a momma. How fun I seemed and then she said she would allow me to turn left so I could get a move on. And now I am taking in a morning of chilling with my muffin, decaf latte, and this book! One of my favourite reads and reminders of life, women, change and growth. It's like referring back to your notes on life. It's never the same really, just like life. You have to keep updating and growing and learning. If not, your insides don't actually feel so good and your brain never shuts up. LOL

SO FROM MY COLLECTION TO YOU!!!! A gift from the sea. Pick it up. It will take you literally 2 hours tops to read.

Faith. Trust. And Pixie Dust.

There are people in the world who share their kindness with the expectation of receiving something in return.  The best way to look at this Kindness thing is to just do it because. . . Not because someone is going to give you something back, but because you know it was right to just do what you felt was kind.  I am a giver, a healer, a teacher, and yes a performer.  With this comes the fact that I give my energy to helping others feel good, feel peace, feel restored, why? Because I love when I go to a class and the instructor has me feeling that way, when I am surrounded by like minded believers that leaves me feeling at peace, when I walk away from a performance that gives me the chills and moves me from deep within I want to share this feeling and help others feel this same deep within feeling.  

With this comes the fact that you may not always receive what you give or what you put in.  When this happens it is hard to not feel a little pain that those you thought were of a like mind may not be on the same page.  And that is ok.  For the most part these people in our lives are a reminder that you don't always get back what you give, but it shouldn't matter because this is something they are going through and you can't take that on.  At some point the good will come back to you.  It will show up when you least likely expect it.  And that is what is important.  Don't change who you are and what you believe in because of someone else's insecurities, pain, or disconnection.  

Kindness. . . Be patient with the kindness you give.